by Maxine Mayer 3/30/97
Ive met the most extraordinary person - the oldest living Immortal. His
Methos - only he calls himself Adam Pierson, and hes infiltrated the
made them believe hes Mortal. I cant get my mind around it yet. And now
hes disappeared, Im beginning to think I dreamt him, the way I dreamt
Cassandra, the Witch in the Forest, when I was a boy.
"Mi casa es su casa." Thats what he said to me, when I came into his
flat looking for Watcher researcher Adam Pierson, to whom Joe sent me,
sensed instead the unmistakable "feel" of an Immortal. "Mi casa es su
Low, caressing - a voice that will haunt me forever. A welcome so
deep, that I nearly fell into the earth and died of it. And the eyes to
go with it.
Mischievous bedroom eyes. All-knowing, all-secret, all-embracing. Taking
everything I am, everything Ive been or done - into him in one swift
glance. All the charm of the eyes of God. Yet these are the eyes of a
man, just a
And he thinks I know nothing, feel nothing, sense nothing, from him.
Five thousand years old, and he doesnt know yet that someone else can
him, too - perhaps even more easily than he can read me.
Just how young does he think I am?
Hes come back. Supposedly, on Watcher business, trailing Joe behind him.
we both know why hes here. Only he thinks I dont know.
Sometimes, a reputation as a Boy Scout has its disadvantages.
Its easy to fool him, tease him, put him off his stride. Hes got about
confidence as a young girl whos just lost twenty pounds of baby fat and
believe shes beautiful. I shouldnt take advantage of his weakness but I
finds me virile and attractive and of course, absolutely blind. I find
him - I dont
know, really. Ive never had any sexual experiences with men. Was never
tempted to try. And no one ever approached me, to pique what little
have in that direction. Women are more than enough, more than satisfying.
But Methos is different. In every respect. Both in himself, and in what
in me. Even that Im considering such things, thinking about him like
enough to convince me of how profound an effect meeting him has had on
My God. What would it take to approach a man who believes with everything
hes got in him that Im unapproachable! I might even break his heart, if
I fell that
far off the pedestal hes put me up on!
Too bad I dont know a soul I could speak to about this. How I miss
God, how I miss Darius!
And this is not the time. Amanda and I have grown so close during this
Theres so much love there. Out in the open, after how many centuries and
much foolishness? Maybe it will be that long before Methos and I can let
our guard and speak the words that we hide in our hearts.
Maybe not so long. Its the time of the Gathering. Nothing moves slowly
longer. Were all heading towards the disaster of the End Game at a
speed. I am frightened. I know Amanda is too. Methos pretends not to
where were all headed. But I know better. That old conniver is so many
ahead of us that it makes me dizzy to think about it. And he says
nothing. Warns no one. Just eyes me like Id make a good dinner, if he
hate to cook quite so much.
Exasperating. Like Amanda.
Thats probably why I love him so much - why I feel so comfortable with
male as he is, he irritates me just the way Amanda does. And I do love
Hell be gone again soon, Im sure. Wonder what tale hell think up to
return next time.
"So, what brings a five thousand year old man to me?" I asked him, when
came back, showing up without notice at my loft. Put him on the spot. At
same time, I was giving him a chance to tell me the truth. Not much of a
but as much as discretion allowed.
As I suspected he would, he had a ready answer - this time, Kristin. Not
didnt turn out to be a good thing he came now. I couldnt bring myself
to kill her,
though I knew it was the only road to take. Someday, I will need to kill
a woman I
care about. A woman whos not ready to die. I just hope Methos is around
up the pieces when that day comes.
But that wasnt what he came for - to kill Kristin. He came for me.
God help me, for those few days he was here, I enjoyed his company so
My loft seems like a tomb now that hes left again. His humor. His charm.
talk. The wisdom Ive gotta drag out of him, hes so scared to admit hes
We even trained together for a little while, with swords. I dont know
should be, considering, but his skill surprised me.
And of course, that fire in the "feel" of him, that fire thats just for
me. Its very
flattering. Im not immune.
And Im not na´ve.
Unfortunately, Methos is na´ve. He still doesnt sense a thing from me.
I think - if someone pushed him against a wall really hard - hed admit
"senses" this much from me - that I enjoy his company. But theyd really
I love how he deceives himself about who he is, and how much he cares
all of us - not just me, all of us - from Joe on down. How surprised he
when I called him on it, out at the house, when we were painting the
we talked about Richie like two old coots.
As if there were some grounds for comparison between his fifty centuries
four hundred years. As if I could ever, in a million years, hope to equal
experience and his wisdom. As if I could ever forget who he is, ever
I hope it wont come to that, but one day, if I must, Ill die to
preserve what he is,
Hes turned away. Pushed me away. Put himself at emotional risk. Fallen
And its real. No question. I was beginning to think he couldnt love a
That it wasnt just me he found attractive, but men in general. Id
chalked it up to
something in his past, or how long hed lived, and pretty much accepted
fact. Maybe I thought it let me off the hook.
Then suddenly, this randy old man whod absolutely tingled with desire
time he came near me, this man whose love I took for granted, whom I
unmercifully, toyed with - wasnt there any more. In his place was a
in love with the girl next door. The girl next door. Alexa is a lovely
get me wrong. But Methos is - Methos.
He must sense something in her that I for one cant see at all. Or maybe
impending death that called to him before he even knew she was dying. I
wouldnt be surprised if thats possible. Not for me. For him.
Against Joes advice and disapproval, against Alexas attempts to
him before he even got close to her, he pursued her, wooed her, and won
and theyre gone.
Not a hint of sexuality in the man, when he stood in my kitchen dithering
child about whether she likes him or not. All boyish charm. All innocence
youth. I was busy with Claudia, but I certainly noticed. The man who
wasnt there any more.
Its at times like this that Im glad Im Immortal, or the pain would be
I could bear.
He came back to help me, in my dark time. Left Alexa, whos going to die
soon. Gave up a few of those precious days he could spend with her, while
still feeling healthy, looking healthy - to save me.
So I have to believe he still cares.
Now that Im "well" again - as well as Ill ever be, after murdering Sean
Burns - I
have to believe Methos still loves me.
Without him, I hesitate to imagine what would have become of me. What had
already become of me.
I couldnt help Coltec - I tried. I gave up. My answer to Coltec was to
Maybe Id already overloaded, even before I took Coltecs Quickening.
already killed one too many. Because I couldnt do anything for this
saved me, saved so many others, over the centuries. He deserved better
was able to give him.
I dont want to beat myself up over it. Im only four hundred years old.
And Methos is five thousand. And he knew what to do. Somehow, he knew
exactly what to do.
At such repeated risk to his life, that its turned into some kind of a
cosmic joke to
me - all that talk of his about survival. If thats how a survivor acts,
survivor does, just what would Methos need to do to be called a
His sigh and his laugh, when he was sure I was free of the darkness -
More than I could feel for myself at that moment. There was nothing
it, nothing touched by need or desire or anything that was once there for
his aura, so strong. All thats gone. I guess, for good.
Without a word spoken about it, without either of us giving it a chance,
Methos once felt for me is gone.
I cannot regret my own part in this. My silence. If it were meant to be,
have happened. Something would have sparked it, jump-started it, gotten
idle. I believe that.
But I also believe, nothing is written. Thats true, too.
Maybe some things are simply not meant to be. I suppose this was one of
One things for certain, though. I owe him. Big time. Really big time. I
his dark time comes, Ill be there for him, the way he was for me. Hes
easy man to help. But then, neither am I. Hes obstinate, arrogant,
Suspicious. He wont want to trust me. But one day, darkness will come
Pray God Ill be there, when he needs me.
Hes left Paris again. Alexa is dying. I offered to go with him, but I
refuse. I have no business there, at the hour of her death. Hes prepared
as much as anyone can. But when that moment comes, itll hit him like it
all, every time. Then hell need a friend. I am that friend. That much I
Dear God, I hope Ill find the wisdom to know what to say, how to be,
what to do,
to help him when he comes to me. I dont want to disappoint him. I never
disappoint him. I hope I never do.
Amanda and Methos have become friends. I have to laugh at those two.
got so many secrets between them, I cant even be sure they werent
already, some time in the dim past, maybe before I was born. But they
together well. I think they could subvert the best laid plans of any
they tried. Without accomplishing anything practical for themselves,
For that, those two need sensible boring Duncans help. And I can never
because I love them.
Amanda asked me what Methos wouldnt do for the woman he loves. I told
he wouldnt betray a friend. But Im not so sure if I believe what I
said. If what he
feels for Alexa is anything like what he feels for me, Im pretty certain
anybody, kill anybody - destroy the world with him in it - to save her,
if he could.
He would for me.
Shes in a hospital in Switzerland now, dying - her time is very near.
distracted, absolutely wild. Completely out of himself. He doesnt focus
anywhere - keeps darting glances here and there, like hes looking for a
hint, to a miracle that will save her. His movements are jumpy. He wont
our companionship. Hes flying back to Geneva by himself. I can
that. Hes been alone with grief of one kind or another for so long, hes
out just how to cope. Amanda and I would put a stress on his methods, I
But its terrible to imagine him by himself out there, when Alexa goes.
I wont rest until he comes back, after the funeral. Hes told me he
plans to bring
her body back here for burial.
Gods speed, my friend, Gods speed.
Hes back. And hes thinner, paler, than ever. His dry wit is again a
rapier at the
ready. He opened up to me for a moment, after we visited Alexas grave.
comes to the death of someone you love, even five thousand years of
experience dont make it any easier. I tried to be strong for him. I was
was so vulnerable, he accepted even my clumsy words and my friendship,
without too close an inspection. I count it as my good fortune that I
help and he took it.
Hes staying with me on the barge. Acting as if nothings changed. Hes
shrugged away the pain and reverted to "normal." But hes still a loner,
he was. Apparently, nothing will induce him to give a damn about anybody
me and Joe. Nothing. Though I still seem to have a little pull with him -
do me a favor, if I wheedle nicely enough. For a price. A formality, that
When did the game he plays - tit for tat - turn into a formality for us?
I said hes back to normal. I meant, in every way. The "fire" for me is
in his aura
again, just as if it had never disappeared. It made me wonder if he can
suppress it. Suppress the emotion in his aura. Maybe even the "buzz"
thats impossible, isnt it?
I have so many questions for him. So much love to give him. But were
this holding pattern again, and it looks like well never get out of it.
Im afraid to
talk about it to him. Hes positive he shouldnt speak of it to me.
You cant even say, we talk a good game.
He loves Joe, too. "Let friendship thrive." Five thousand years old, and
answer. To everything. Hes got no sense of honor. No morality. Ive
got to goad him with a pick-ax to make him do the right thing. But when
makes up his mind, he abandons himself to danger with his whole heart and
soul. For someone he loves, that is. For me, for Joe.
He took us in, to his secret place in the basement of Shakespeare and Co.
tended Joes wounds like a mother. But just in case we might get the
he made it clear that he couldnt wait until Joe was ready to travel and
get rid of the two of us.
Then he did something that tore him apart. He betrayed an Immortal, for
What happened to Jacob - I cant forgive Joe. But Jacob was my friend.
Methos, the part he played in Jacobs murder wasnt a betrayal of
was a betrayal of his kind, true. But more than that, it was a betrayal
I didnt even know Methos remembered the concept. I certainly didnt know
gave a damn about it.
But the more I think about it, the more it seems like its his reaction
to all weve
been through together, Joe and Methos and I. His way of taking us into
a kind of Quickening without the death. I admire him for it. Love has no
way of showing itself than to learn from the one you love, try to be like
you love. The fact that neither Joe nor I are worthy of such imitation,
only human, just people trying to do the right thing - and failing
often - doesnt take anything away from the nobility of Methos struggle.
Thank God hell never hear me call him that - noble! Im sure hed
commitment papers before the words sank in!
He may revert again, go back to what he was - a person who survives at
cost. Probably he will. But I was there when he looked higher, and
deeper. I was
there when he asked himself the question, Who am I?
Ive said it to Richie a dozen times, "You screwed up, Richie." So
judgmental. "You screwed up, Richie." Today, Ive gotta say it to myself.
screwed up, Duncan. You really screwed up."
I believed Id be willing to die, to preserve what Methos is, his life.
But I wasnt
willing to accept it. Id look for more understanding and compassion from
than Ive been able to give Methos.
I told myself that I loved him, even if I couldnt say it to him. That I
didnt want to
disappoint him. But thats just what I did.
Ive driven him away. This time, I think its for good.
He came to his dark time. Or maybe I should say, his dark time reared its
like a beast out of his past, and came for him. From every side, the past
on its hind legs and roared, calling to him. "Methos, be Methos, once
And the first thing he did, when the beast came for him, was to come to
me. But I
was too busy to listen, too busy to hear what he had to say. I was too
up in Cassandra, in being her champion. I had no time for any other
Especially not for him. This wasnt the first time Ive accused him of
and worse, on somebody elses word. A womans word. I never learn.
He didnt defend himself. Far from it. No, he admitted the truth, as he
from the place where he is now. From the perspective of who he is now.
worst face he could put on it, he put on it. The farthest away he could
he pushed me. And I, like a fool, believed the worst and left him. I told
through. As if it were up to me. I told him were through. As if that
I ignored what his "buzz" was telling me, the anguish inside him, and
I left him alone at what must have been the greatest crossroad of his
I left him alone with the Horsemen.
Even in that, I underestimated him.
He came through for me, even without my help. Looked straight into my
met my gaze of disapproval and contempt. And right before my eyes - as if
were laughing at my foolishness, if I thought he couldnt do it alone -
he dug a
tunnel through the darkness and came out the other side.
By doing that, he told me that hes always been alone. That hes used to
when his pain hit me, long before the Quickenings, I ignored it and left
alone. I didnt want to disappoint him, but thats just what I did.
Naturally. "Its not
in my nature" to forgive.
You know what? I did believe in him. But every chance he gave me, I went
my way not to tell him so. I followed the clue he dropped for me,
Bordeaux. I went to the chapel meet. I disarmed the viral bomb, with his
singing in my head, "first white, then black, then red." But I didnt
say, I believe in
you, Methos. I didnt say, Youre my friend. I trust you. I didnt tell
him I love him,
or that I know he loves me. I didnt say, However you want this to go
in it together.
Methos doesnt approach things like I do, straight on into the fray. Hes
That frightens me. It always has, probably always will. Like an idiot, I
him choices. Kept asking him to join me. Kept telling him - in my own way
- that I
was the leader here, that he should follow me.
He kept shaking his head no. And I kept on not understanding. That this
his dilemma, his crisis of conscience - not mine - to solve.
I fought Kronos with everything Ive got - both times. And I admit it, I
I could win. Kronos "buzz" was so strong, so single-minded, I couldnt
off. I thought Cassandra was dead by then. Id given up on Methos.
burned brighter than mine. I was pretty frightened. I believed I was a
Then it happened. In the distance we heard fighting. Loud enough to make
stop in our tracks. Kronos realized what was happening even before I did.
breathed Methos name. I couldnt believe my eyes. Methos was fighting
that bear of a man! Silas! The man made three of Methos! And talk about
I knew then I had to pull it out, somehow, and get over there to help
didnt give a damn whether it was against the Rules of the Game - two on
interfering in a Joined Battle - any of it! Nothing mattered but that
survive. For that, Kronos must die first, fast!
He told me he was the end of time. I knew he was history.
Then the Quickenings came, so powerful they knocked Methos off his feet.
so lucky, Im used to them. I could still stand up. But even I was almost
destroyed by the power of a Double Quickening hitting me with so much
And inside the Quickenings I felt something else, a voice so pure and in
pain, so much pain! Methos voice. He was still suffering, even after the
I felt his pain in the graveyard, where we took ourselves to recuperate.
what Id shouted to Cassandra would set our friendship right. That I
to live. Oh, how I wanted him to live!
But it wasnt enough. How could it be? Id betrayed him over and over
after hed proved himself to me so many times.
I tried to smooth things over. Asked him questions, giving him a chance
to talk it
out. He answered me in monosyllables, explaining it all away, and
nothing at all.
He told me he wanted to live. As if that clarified everything. Then why
Silas? Thank God, I didnt ask that! Why take on Kronos at all, for that
knew Methos well enough to be sure he could have found a way to hide from
Kronos forever, if he wanted to. Why let himself be dragged into this at
I told him Id figured it out. That he believed I could take Kronos,
himself couldnt. But I was wrong. Methos was certain I couldnt take
Thats why he risked his life and stayed. To protect me, to save me.
He presents himself as a man without conscience, without passion, without
honor. But I felt his aura from the beginning. I knew who he was. I knew
I destroyed our friendship in an instant, when I told him we were
I havent seen him for months now. I dont know where hes gone. I
myself by hunting small Game. I cant even pray.
I cant get him out of my thoughts. If I dont get the chance to ask him
forgiveness, Im gonna lose it all. One day very soon, Im gonna go up
somebody, and lose my head. Because Ive got no heart for the life any
though I still talk a good Game.
Methos tried to warn me, after I killed Ingrid, that Id end by being my
I listened. I understood. I really did. But I didnt get it. What he was
me. That I had no right to judge anybody else. I just didnt get it.
Well, Ive got it now. In spades.
And one thing more. Cassandra told me the truth. Once Methos rode with
Kronos, killed and raped alongside him. He was one of the Horsemen. But
Once I couldnt forgive him, couldnt accept what hed done. "Its not in
nature to forgive that." Methos told the truth.
But I can change too.
So come home, old friend. "Mi casa es su casa." Come home, so I can tell
that Ive learned my lessons at last. This time around, I wont hold
time around, I wont be silent. Ill tell you how I feel, how much I
respect you. Come home, so I can tell you. You can take it from there.
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